Lived Experience of a Five-Year Old Woman
My actual lived experience as a woman is only a little over five years old. I came out privately to family and close friends on my birthday in 2013. I then came out publicly in 2014 on the same day. With that said, though my mind and heart was and is that of a woman, that doesn’t mean I automatically knew how to handle walking the streets. Or dealing with men pursuing me. Or interacting with other women naturally. Those aspects of myself I had to learn, even after realizing the importance of focusing on my mental transition. This entry is a peek into my stream of consciousness as I attempt to parse through the ways being only five years old as a woman has been a challenge in the midst of achieving my goals.
Voiceover Challenges
What many may not know is that aside from self-training my tonality and cadence for a year to sound more feminine, I cultivated much of my range of feminine characters from the fictional audiobooks I was doing a few years back. I was under the belief that because I had played such a wide variety of females in those stories, I was more than able to score roles for animation & gaming now that I clearly knew my type.
Audition after confident audition I sent in with only trickling results. Now, I’m very used to rejection in the business, but even putting effort into multiple auditions in order to have a higher chance resulted in more rejection than seemed normal for someone who had just successfully self-narrated six audiobooks performing masculine & feminine characters. I was becoming increasingly distraught. It was after I tapped back into my acting training and received rare feedback from a creator that I realized my situation: I was fine vocally, but lacking the emotional experiences that most biological women have gone through to inject into my acting. I’m much appreciative to those who took the time to offer me feedback to help me reach that conclusion.
Facing My Voiceover Challenges
I’ve been thinking on how to solve this. I concluded that I had just forgotten theatre acting basics: Being more present with my heart, making decisive choices, and stop self-directing myself while in the moment. I recently did an audition where I tried this, trusted my choices, and just did what felt natural for the read with minimal self-direction. My reads (and probably a few other factors as well) got me cast as Teresa for The Office Type.
Relationship Challenges
Regardless of my skill with makeup and keeping my physical health and appearance as high as possible, relationships are still quite difficult to navigate. I’ve chosen to let my thoughts and actions remain in tune with what naturally comes to me, which does end up being real, straightforward, and, at times, suggestively aggressive. Men are the most vocal about their desires for me, but the majority end up folding since they can’t reconcile their sexual desires from my biology. Women are the least vocal about their desires, but I’ve recently discovered that lesbian women could also suffer from a similar hangup as some men despite me being quite femme. Including having high standards and always questioning when it makes sense to pursue romance with a person, it’s been a struggle to find someone who can truly be my partner even after accepting my bisexual tastes early in my transition.
We all have baggage. Mine just happens to be in the form of a penis, among other things. Believe me, I’m not a fan and that is constantly a source of distress. I try not to let the baggage of someone else cause me to write them off too quickly and don’t ask for much. Be able to hold a thoughtful, two-way conversation. Aim to be interesting in life, not just in the bedroom. Actively show an investment in me as a person. Compliment the aspects of my life where I’m flawed. Most importantly, be my friend and dearest confidant. This is the bare minimum kind of stuff.
Facing My Relationship Challenges
While doing the preliminary editing for this piece, I made a decision to confess to a lesbian female who I had been hesitating on, but believe is good for me. She’s completely different from me in the best ways. Surprisingly, she returned my feelings. Both of us are relatively inexperienced in relationships while taking a very clear risk on choosing each other. However, I believe we mutually will learn from each other, aiming for something real and lasting.
Social Challenges
My lacking lived experience has, at times, put me in out-of-body situations where I realize just how out of touch I am when engaging with other grown women. However, even before I began living full-time, I had always pursued meaningful, platonic relationships with females as far back as kindergarten. My childhood/family friend whom I’m still loosely connected with via Instagram is female. It’s very much been a part of my pursued norm, despite also dealing with the mild cases of catching feelings. It’s just a different, nuanced kind of interaction that I have always welcomed.
It has been said that transwomen shouldn’t be included in women’s groups because our lived experiences are that of boys/men. To that, I would say…yes, you’re right about how we had to live and, often times, survive. However, if “lived experience” is the qualifying barometer for transgender inclusion, policing the myriad of experiences among biological girls/women would need to follow. No one is and will ever be qualified to do that.
Facing My Social Challenges
I proclaimed in my YouTube video “I Am A Woman, But…”, I am biologically male. That every day I get to walk the streets – catcalls by men nearly twice my age and all – and learn more about myself & what I missed out on is such a blessing that I never take for granted. To be invited into women’s circles like Combo Queens breaks my expectations & is so humbling. Regardless of how dignified of a lady I carry myself as, I always longed for these experiences. When other ladies invite and accept into their circles, I still am incredibly grateful.
Validating Lived Experience
Last I checked, there is no manual on “how to grow up a woman”. Nor is there a specific gold standard that qualifies someone to be a “good girl/lady/woman”. We just are by virtue of our authenticity and contribution within society. Yes, we. Transwomen and women alike.
We must acknowledge the non-traditional paths of womanhood as we do with the romanticized ones. The girl who takes up JROTC because her single father was in the military. The woman who burns scrambled eggs, but does her own oil changes and doesn’t want to bear children. The twenty-something born in a Christian household who had contemplated suicide due to the mental juxtaposition of their expected gender identity imposed by their chromosomes. We risk going down a dangerous path if inclusion becomes based on lived experience grounded in pitting femininity against masculinity. However, let me clarify that this is in support of self-identification of gender. Those who green-light the “sex & gender are the same” argument will find me disagreeable.
Closing Remarks
Despite having to teach myself how to speak all over again. Though still learning when to make friendly physical contact with another person. Regardless of not having a uterus. In spite of only being a little girl in trans years that’s admittedly still learning what it means to love. Yes, I take on the challenge of bringing my unique and authentic lived experience to the table of biological females. As all other young girls have learned to walk and run, so shall I.
I believe there is value in candidly shedding light on what transgender people, visible or stealth, can face in transition. Indeed, I must keep learning how to weave my unorthodox lived experience into a meaningful, happier life. I hope that continuing to share these stories can help others understand what it means to be transgender. I’d like to think I’m doing a proper service if other trans people also are encouraged by my willingness to face my challenges.
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Also, if you’d like to learn more about my story as a transgender woman, check out my series “Am I Transgender”!